I have always been outspoken. Often at a cost. But I absolutely love the freedom that comes from saying what you truly believe and how I actually feel. As life has passes by, social structures and plain decency more often not, keeps me from utterances that would either wound someone or be detrimental to my own interests. So in order to keep the peace we put on a happy face and pretend not to notice the anxieties that threaten to destroy workplace harmony. The tiny shoots of discontent at home that seems too petty to bring up but persist at a very conscious level.
Which forces me to confront the question: am I happy? Is this the life I of my dreams? Because if the answer is no to either of these questions I still have a few decades to do something about it before I keel over and die. After all, that's why we are put on this earth, is it not? To live each day to its fullest, to live each experience to its fullest, and to never say no to the possibilities and adventures that come our way.
In order to face my discontent, I am going to list the things I can pinpoint, both good and bad as I see them.
Good: I have a fantastic family. Few women are luckier (none I know of) when it comes to a loving supportive husband, smart and sexy and uber cool. Kids who light up any room they enter.
Parents who continue to love and cherish, even when I give back so little and stay so far away.
A few good friends, even though the ones I truly love and clicked with have moved away and I don't see them as much as I would like. But that's mostly my fault as I can always initiate and maintain contact.
A stable job which pays the bills. Where I can find joy in interacting with young minds.
Bad: The feeling that I am not living up to potential, as a professional. That there's a better job out there if I can get my lazy butt to get moving and get it. The fear that there really isn't a better job and that is all I'll ever amount to.
The feeling that I am not living up to expectations as a mother. That I could be doing more, doing it better to make my kids more vibrant.
The feeling that I am a bad wife for not being more supportive and useful to my husband as he builds his company. After all, I knew the hours he'd have to put in, in this venture. Why then, do I feel so neglected and set aside as this new venture consumes his waking hours and dreams? Its not as if our dreams are different. We are investing in this as a single unit. Then why am I so upset at the high stress level?
The lack of vacation time. I understand how important it is to save our money, to tighten the proverbial belt and gear up for a tough ride. But that is exactly why I miss the joy of a holiday, a break from the constant rat race that grows more fierce by the day.
What is the answer to this discontent? I love my family and I love my life and I know that trying to solve all this in my own head is not a good idea. It'll create more distance between my thoughts and those of others around me. But when I try to put these in words they sound too trivial even to my own ears, to be worth a mention.
How am I to explain feelings that Iam not sure I can understand or justify myself?
No comments:
Post a Comment